The ‘terrible twos’ is a bit of an unfair name given to children at a time when they are changing a lot developmentally. Navigating challenging emotions can result in behaviour that’s challenging for parents.
Your approach to the ‘terrible twos’ may depend on your family and your parenting style. Below is some general advice.
What causes the ‘terrible twos’?
Around this age, children are becoming complex little people. They are developing real personalities likes, dislikes, interests and a sense of autonomy.
Tantrums usually happen because your toddler is feeling upset or frustrated. However, they don’t have the language yet to talk through it. They know what they want but they can’t rationalise and explain that to you, even if you ask calmly and clearly what’s wrong. Often this frustration will be because you’re asking them to do something they don’t want to do, or you’re not doing what they want you to do, but sometimes there can be deeper emotions involved.
There’s a saying that goes, “your kid isn’t giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time”. You will often see this kind of ‘bad behaviour’ increase when there has been a change of routine, environment or care that’s affecting them emotionally, even if they can’t tell you exactly why they’re upset. A good example is if their primary caregiver has been less available than usual, such as due to illness or having had another baby.
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What are signs my child is in the ‘terrible twos’?
While centred around the age of two, these behaviours tend to happen between the ages of one and three. They are centred around your child trying to exert their independence and choice.
Behaviours associated with ‘terrible twos’ can include:
- Tantrums that can include screaming, crying and throwing their body around.
- Yelling ‘no!’
- Hitting others or themselves, kicking, biting.
- Refusing to get dressed or have their nappy changed.
- Insisting they put their clothes or nappy on themselves.
- Running off.
These behaviours generally go away on their own as your child develops the language and understanding to express their feelings more effectively. They can reoccur briefly later on, particularly if the child is experiencing a difficult time.
How to deal with the ‘terrible twos’?
Dealing with the ‘terrible twos’ can be exhausting and frustrating for parents. Your child refusing to get dressed every day when you need to get to nursery and work on time is not easy to handle, but it will pass eventually.
However exasperated you feel, it’s still crucial for your child to learn that their feelings do matter. Dismissing or invalidating their feelings, even this young, isn’t a good idea. It can actually cause psychological damage.
Understanding and supporting your child to express their feelings now establishes trust and lays a good foundation for them continuing to do so as they grow. One day, hopefully, you’ll have secure and confident older children, then teenagers, then young adults who know they can come to you with their problems.
Help them to calm down and don’t shout
Tantrums can be really scary for both of you. If your child is hysterical, the last thing you should do is shout at them. They are extremely upset and need you to remain calm and comfort them. If you’re getting angry too, it’s better to walk away for a minute and calm down yourself than show your anger.
Talking to them soothingly and understandingly can really help, as can hugging them or giving them space for a few minutes if they need it.
Work out what’s behind the behaviour
Key to supporting your child is understanding the feelings they’re having. Very common causes of tantrums include:
- They feel rushed or pressured.
- They don’t want to do what you’re asking of them, often because they’re having fun playing and don’t want to stop.
- They want to make their own choice or try something independently.
- They are scared or anxious, for example toothbrushing can feel quite scary if they don’t really understand what’s happening.
- They’re feeling unwell.
Is it nearly nap or bed time? Children can get extremely upset over what we might consider trivial things, like their dinner being on the wrong plate. This is magnified when they’re tired. Be wary of saying “you’re just tired”, they can be legitimately upset about something but only feeling it deeper due to tiredness.
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Make it a game
A key skill in parenting is finding ways to make daily tasks fun for kids, then finding a new way to make the task fun two days later when the last one’s stopped working. Shouting and nagging doesn’t work half as well as excitement and fun. This age is actually a fantastic time for games as they’re really getting into toys, stories and make believe.
Making a song out of a task can also really encourage them. See CBeebies’ ‘nappy change song’ on YouTube for an excellent example.
Be clear and consistent about routines and boundaries
Regular routine can give children great comfort in knowing what to expect and when. It can reduce the chance of confusion and push back. You may find it helpful to recite the routine with them, such as “nappy, breakfast, clothes”.
Likewise, it can be very confusing for children if the line between what is negotiable and what is not is always moving. Boundaries should be simple, clear and consistent.
Support their independence and choice
Sometimes this can be an opportunity to teach them new skills and give them the independence they crave. This could mean teaching them to put their own shorts on, or letting them choose what they wear.
If what they’re asking for is safe and sanitary, such as wearing a pyjama top instead of a t-shirt to go to the park, it’s often not worth fighting over. Choosing your battles can reduce stress for both of you. It doesn’t make you a bad parent or mean you’re spoiling your child.
Sometimes, kids just need a few minutes. If it’s dinner time and they’re saying no because they’re playing, they will often join the table voluntarily when they’ve finished what they’re doing and see that everybody else is eating.
