Love in a time of childcare: Kids and their crushes

Three-year-old Frederick thinks love is when “Mummy gives me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle” and three-year-old Hettie says it is when "Mummy packs my lunchbox". With Valentine's Day looming, daynurseries.co.uk has been finding out what love really means to children in the early years.

Love can bloom in early years

The object of one's affections is sometimes a fellow playmate and the subject of love can be a tricky one. For anyone, including children, love is an adventure to be explored, presenting challenges, excitement, pitfalls, tests, joy, ‘give and take’, confusion… and it can be all consuming.

In the Channel 4 documentary, ‘The Secret Life of 4-year-olds’, a boy is trying to impress a girl. Layton asks Amelia-Rose if she’ll marry him but she says she is already engaged to Daniel.

“Just pretend I’m Daniel, yeah?” responds Layton. Amelia-Rose says Daniel is really strong and tells Layton to prove his strength by lifting sand. Amelia-Rose also admits to having kissed Daniel on the lips, but her moral compass is evident as she tells Layton: “And you can’t kiss too many mans”.

Layton’s mum Lauren says her son is “a bit of a tart.” His dad Warren confesses: “He does like the ladies. Then looks at his wife and sagely adds: “It ain’t too long 'til he’s cuddling and kissing is it?”

Valentine's Day balloon release undertaken by children at Birmingham’s Copper Beech Day Nursery

For the annual homage to love that is Valentine’s Day, pre-schoolers at Birmingham’s Copper Beech Day Nursery ‘shared the love’ in 2015 with a balloon release in the local area. Some 30 red balloons, all carrying pictures and messages on labels made by the children, were released with the invitation to anyone finding them to email the nursery.

Deputy manager, Kimberley Shakespeare-Rea, says respect, friendship and affection between children and staff is promoted all year round but Valentine’s Day provides the opportunity to 'send the love’ further afield.

Children at Green Park Day Nursery in Reading demonstrated their love two years ago, with messages to one another displayed on a wall. And with the lessons in love came a bit of science, as the children studied the anatomy of the heart and how it works.

But love can be a complex concept for a child, as nursery manager Elayne Collins found, when one child commented on how art didn’t quite imitate life. She says: “One four-year-old explained ‘the giant heart looked nothing like the real thing but it was important to show the feelings coming out and not the blood'."

Anatomy of the heart: 'More feelings less blood'

Love and fidelity

Love and who to love, even fidelity, can raise conflicts in a child’s young head. Four-year-old Enzo in 'The Secret Life of 4-year-olds' , tells a girl sitting on his left: “I want to be with you” and puts his left arm around her, before looking at another girl to his right and embracing her with his free right arm saying: “Maybe I can be with both of you?”

Love can often lead to rivalry, fights and tears, as one bewildered boy discovered. His bemused mum told daynurseries.co.uk: “My son arrived at pre-school and two girls ran up to him, shouting his name excitedly. They each took one of his hands and both wanted him for themselves.

Love hurts ...as one pre-schooler discovered!

“The girls began arguing about it and one of them punched the other girl in the face!”

’Child’s eye view’ of love's meaning

Keen to get a child’s view about love, children at nurseries across the country have been asked what they think love means. Three-year-old Emily from Tops Day Nurseries -Bournemouth thought it meant: “You like everyone”. Hettie, aged three from Tops Lymington says love is: “when mummy packs my lunchbox”. Four-year-old Aoife from Broadgreen Day nursery says: "Mummy loves my sister because she gives her lots of milk. It’s too much."

Other children gave more perplexing answers including Freya, aged three, who says love was: “Princesses and chickens”. Perhaps a gift from parents?

When asked ‘Who do you love and why?’, three-year-old Sam, aged three from Tops Lymington, says: “My doggies and grandma.” The people loved by four-year-old Christopher are: “Maya and Riley because they are my best friends”.

Thomas, aged four from Tops Bournemouth, says he shows his love with “Big, squeezy cuddles.”

Three year-old Elsie from Tops Lymington, says of her twin sister: “I cuddle and I walk together with Hettie holding hands.” Similarly, Elsie’s twin Hettie says: “I love Elsie too much. I give her cuddles. She’s the best girl ever.”

Little Mr & Mrs

Love for another can be expressed by children in a myriad of different ways - even marriage. Some children are more forward than others when it comes to expressing what they want from a relationship. Little Orlagh seen in ‘The Secret Life of 4-year-olds’, didn’t hold back when she told classmate Layton: “My darling it’s church time!”

As her invited wedding guests adorned in summer hats ran across the playground to the happy couple, Orlagh yells: “Quick, my darling, our boat is leaving to our wedding.” But just as the wedding ceremony is about to begin, the nursery teacher disrupts the impending nuptials with the news that its lunchtime. In desperation, as the betrothed stand together in matching bejewelled crowns, Layton tells the teacher: “No, we didn’t even get to marry yet.”

Love lessons

When they return to their classroom, Layton tells Orlagh: “We need to marry now. Just quick”. But when Orlagh promptly puckers up and leans in for a kiss, he yells “Wait!” pointing at her mouth “Remember you’ve got a coleslaw.” He softly whispers to her: “Don’t kiss tonight because you’ve got a coleslaw.” Obligingly, she blows him a kiss, which he catches in his hand.

After a quick look around he asks her: “Shall we do one cuddle?” To which she replies: “Even if you do cuddles you get coleslaws.”

With Valentine's Day coming around again on 14 February, the subject of love may well crop up, as children's parents exchange cards.

When it comes to what advice early years practitioners should give a child about feelings and what’s appropriate, Carla, deputy manager at Tops Havant, said: “We role model kind behaviour, talk about people we love and tell them that cuddles and kisses are okay. It’s okay to give mummy and daddy a cuddle but it’s not okay to kiss and cuddle a stranger.”

Ms Dickinson says: "I would advise to never ignore talking about love. Affection towards children should never be forced only encouraged unless it invades the child personal space."

Laura Doe adds: “We talk about showing our kind hands and also when it is not appropriate for example if one child really favours another and cuddles them all the time and the other child is overwhelmed, then we encourage them to rein in their affection.”