How can I stop my toddler hitting and being aggressive?

If you are wondering how can I stop my toddler hitting me or others, biting or shoving, this article explains what parents can do to stop their child being aggressive.

Is hitting normal for a toddler?

Hitting is actually a normal part of a toddler’s development. You might notice aggressive behaviour such as hitting, pushing or biting when your toddler plays with others.

It is normal for a child who is 2 or 3 years old to start hitting (for example to get something they want) because they do not have the communication skills to express themselves.

A young child’s aggressive behaviour is often a temporary phase that they grow out of.

Why do toddlers hit others?

Toddlers are often trying to demonstrate their feelings e.g. fear, frustration, boredom, anger, love, sadness, seeking attention, envy, jealously, territorial issues, hungry, tired etc.

Children under the age of four are novices when it comes to self-control, emotional regulation, impulse control and boundaries and have not mastered these skills yet. 

Toddlers also do not have much language or social skills. They lack the ability to express how they feel or indicate if anything is wrong using words and this can lead to feelings of frustration, hitting and other aggressive behaviour such as biting.

The child may be experimenting and testing their boundaries e.g. they may wonder ‘what happens if I hit Mummy?’  

A child’s environment can also influence aggressive behaviour. The child may be imitating something they have seen e.g. a big brother behaving badly, a character in a TV programme.   

They may be trying to cope with the absence/loss of a loved one through divorce or bereavement.

They may be struggling to cope with the arrival of a new sibling. You can read tips on how to prepare your child for a new sibling. 

What should you do if a child is hitting you?  Read the top tips below on what to do if your toddler is hitting. 

Top tips on how you can stop your toddler hitting others

• Parents should try to remember there is usually no malicious intent in a child who is hitting.  If your toddler is hitting you, it is best to remain calm. This stops the child getting attention from the aggressive behaviour.

• Tell your child firmly but gently why hitting is wrong.  A child aged two or three years-old who has been hitting or displaying other aggressive behaviour should be told in a level-headed voice why their behaviour is not acceptable. Try using a short phrase such “no hitting because hitting hurts”.
• Distract the child if they are upset/having a tantrum.

• Reinforce the need for the child to show ‘kind hands’.

• Help your child express themselves differently.

• If they hit because they wanted something e.g. a biscuit, only give them what they want on your terms.  

• Find out if there is anything else influencing your child’s aggressive behaviour.  

• Talk to your child about their feelings.

• Model good behaviour in your own actions.

• Provide emotional support.Reassure your child e.g. reinforce that they are valued and loved to alleviate their worries and fears.

• Praise good behaviour.

• Spend time with your child doing fun activities. 

What should I do if my child keeps hitting others?

If you have tried the top tips in this article and your child continues to hit or show other aggressive behaviour and you are concerned, talk to your GP.

‘I genuinely feared taking him anywhere’   

One mum shared her own experience of her son’s hitting phase in an anonymous post on Mumsnet, stated: ‘I genuinely feared taking him anywhere with children. I had to stop going to toddler group because it was just too stressful. I even cried a few times because it was non-stop.

‘I just tried to intercept when I could and stayed very nearby when other children were around. Also did the ‘no hitting’, etc.

‘He is now 3 and completely non-violent, unless somebody hits him, in which case he will hit back. I can now leave him to play with others.

‘Honestly, it’s a phase. I wish I could have seen into the future whilst I was sobbing to my health visitor that I was concerned something was up (she reassured me it was normal, some kids hit more than others and apparently it’s a red flag if they completely miss this stage).

‘Just ride it out as another difficult chapter in the fun that is child rearing.’

Another mum shared: ‘It’s really, really normal. A sharp “no, we don’t hit” and moving him on to something else best. ‘But then let him go back and give him a chance to play nicely and redeem himself, if he wants to, otherwise he’ll never learn.’